Hello, my lovelies.  This is Linette Soderwall with The Love Identity Podcast.  Welcome, to those new and old.  So happy to have you.  I’m excited to be on this journey together.  We’ve been -- I think we have over 20 episodes now.  It’s very exciting for me.  I’m very proud of that.  And I’ve been very proud of many of you that have come back consistently and are doin’ the work!  You GO, people.  I love people of action, and I love people who are willing to listen, even if you’re not willing or ready for action yet.  That’s okay, too.  The fact that you’ll even listen is huge, and I welcome you, whichever side of the spectrum you’re on.  I’m just glad to meet you in this space.  

So today we’re going to throw out another question, as we do every week.  And this week we’re going to talk about Where Does My “YES” Go?  It kind of ties in with some of the other conversations we’ve had, but I really want to focus on some specific areas today, about what that “yes” looks like, and help you understand what your “yes” really is.

I think we do life.  And we do life sometimes really well, and sometimes not as well as we wish we would be doing it.  And that is all okay, and we’re going to make it, and we’re going to choose every day, and sometimes we’re choosing every moment.  Right?  Some days we have a lot of choices and we have a lot of decisions to make on legitimately what we are saying yes to.

So I want you to imagine a partnership.  Okay?  We have a lot of those in our lives.  Varying degrees of what those look like, whether they’re professional, they’re romantic, they’re sibling, they’re business oriented that aren’t fully professional in the sense that you’ve created something and there’s a money-making element to it, but, you know, you’re not in a full-blown “business” necessarily yet.  You’re not part of it, you’re not a cog in a wheel or a part of a bigger something, but you are engaging in some form of business.  There are churches, organizations, schools -- I mean, the list goes on and on and on.  And there are also just partnerships with how we engage with this life.  It’s not just what we physically say yes to; it’s also what we mentally, emotionally, spiritually say yes to.

So I’m going to invite you today to give yourself permission to really dial down.  Not only are you going to ask yourself, “Where does my ‘yes’ go?” but you’re going to really consider all the places that you have said yes, even in the past.  And the reason I want you to do this is because I want you to consider the difference.  Is it the same?  Is it a 180?  Is it somewhere in between?  Give yourself an opportunity to really process where you’re at -- where you’re at today comparatively to where you were.  It doesn’t matter if we’re talking five years, ten years, five minutes.  I don’t really care the time frame.  I want you to pay attention to what you feel like is an important time frame in your life.  Because we all have moments of lifetime, don’t we?  We have those seasons, chapters, right?  Whatever we want to refer to them as, we have them, and we go back to them. 

“Hey there was this time in my life…”  

“Do you remember that season when…” 

“You know, if I was going to write a book, that chapter would have been called…”  Right?

We’ve all said things like this.  And we also project forward to where we want to go, what seasons we want to enter, what chapters we want to write in the history -- or, actually, in the story of our life where we want to go.  Right?  

And so I want you to think about what those previous seasons have looked like.  Are they similar to what the seasons are now?  Or are they really different?  And in order to really know where you’re going, it’s good to know where you’ve come from, to pay attention to what you’ve said yes to, and to recognize how it benefited or it was a huge disadvantage to your life.  So as we are talking about where it is currently, that “yes” of yours, consider where that “yes” has been.  

I’ve had the honor of having a lot of conversations with lots of people, and they will talk about what their past looked like.  And a lot of -- relationships especially, you know?  And I don’t think we recognize how much we actively say yes to things in relationship.  So when a person has been in an abusive relationship or just -- just not a good one, that just was not right for their life.  Maybe the person is still a good person, but it just wasn’t right for that season of life and they knew it, but they were partnering with it anyway for various reasons.  

Listen:  We do things all the time for various reasons.  I say all the time -- “we are brilliant at justification”, aren’t we?  We are.  We’re really good at justifying a lot of things.  The question is, if you were to stop justifying... and pause... and recognize, “Is my ‘yes’ as powerful as I want it to be?  Is my ‘yes’ that’s partnered outside of me actually partnered with internal-me?”  

Wait, Linette.  What did you just say?

What I’m saying is, sometimes we say yes to outward things, and our inside is like, “No!  Please, don’t do it!”  

That’s what I’m saying.  

And, yet, there we go again.  We partner with food, we partner with laziness, we partner with overexercise, we partner with over- a lot of things, under- a lot of things, less than, too much of...  Right?  Up, down, all around, we do the things, and we come back, and we’re like, “Oh, man…” and it’s like the birthplace of regret.  

So I want to invite you into the concept that what happens -- what would happen if we gave ourselves time to process how committed to the “yes” we are that we have made already?  And is that commitment out of obligation?  Is that commitment out of choice?  Is that commitment because it just has to be done?  Listen:  There’s a lot of things we have to say yes to in our daily life that we wish we didn’t, right?  I mean, that’s just part of life, and that’s okay.  I’m not talking about those normal, day-to-day things that -- yes, if we could have lots of other people delegated to do those -- I am a delegator.  If I can find something to give to somebody else and pay them to do it and I can afford to do it, heck YES am I going to do that.  That’s the visionary in me.  I’m like, “Get me out of the weeds!”

And yet, there are things in my life where there is nobody that can do what I need to do.  Right?  There’s just a stopping point where there is no more delegation to be done.  You’re going to show up.  You have to show up.  And maybe you don’t really feel like it, maybe you don’t really want to, and, yet, your “yes” meets you there.  And most of the time, even in that space, once we’ve gone all the way in with that “yes,” we find the peace in it, and we keep going, and at the end we’re like, “Okay.  I did the hard thing.  Go me.  Whoop!”

So that is -- that’s a true thing.  That’s just life.  That’s just part of doing the thing.  Right?

I’m not referring to those things.  

I’m referring to the things that we actually have more choice than we recognize.  And I really want to focus on not just that we’re doing it, but what it means when we’re doing it.  Because your “yes” is more than just doing the thing.  Your “yes” is an agreement.  And I don’t think most people recognize what they agree with all the time.  You’re so used to doing -- we’re doing, we’re doing, we’re doing, we’re on the hamster wheel, we’re doing over and over again, we’re doing, we’re doing, we’re doing, and we’re not always paying attention to what we’re agreeing with.  And when you look at it from that perspective, if you were to stand back and ask yourself, “Am I happy with what I’ve said yes to?” meaning, “Am I okay with being in agreement with what this is?”  That’s a whole different concept.  It’s a different question.  It’s a different way for you to process what it is you’re engaged with.  

Because sometimes -- I’ve said this before, right? -- emotional energy is the greatest “deplete-er” of all the energies, relational-emotional especially.  Okay?  So if you’re in a bad relationship that you don’t want to be agreeing with what’s going on in that relationship, that’s really going to drain you, and it’s going to drain you even in an identity place because you are having to change who you are, to some degree, to say yes to that, so it’s even more depleting.  So you are probably exhausted emotionally, spiritually, physically -- all the things.  

I’ve got to work on saying something different than “all the things.”  It’s so easy, though, isn’t it?  It just wraps it all up.  It’s like, “It IS.  It’s ALL THE THINGS!”  Yes, but there are specifics I can be clearer with.  I apologize.  I’m being a little lazy over here!  I’m so sorry!  But you hear what I’m saying, right?

So if you are feeling grand drainage happening in your life on a regular basis, you really need to take the time to understand what I’m saying here today and take stock.  Give yourself the chance to really find out.  And I want you writing it down.  Again, you know me by now, if you’ve been around, and those of you that are new, I’m really big on get it out of your head and into your hands so that you know what you’re working with.  Because we’ve got to train ourselves to get out of the subconscious calling the shots and the conscious stepping up and saying yes or no to things and making decisions that are healthy and whole and good, that we are self-aware, and we are able to take personal responsibility, and we can show up.  That’s what’s going to change the world.  That’s what’s going to change your life.  

The more we stay in that subconscious realm, the more we are a victim.  The more that the situations of our life are calling the shots today, the things of the past are dictating today, there’s never love in that equation.  Usually, it’s fear that is speaking the language, that is telling us how to dictate, and then that brain kicks on, that amygdala, right?  Fight or flight, fighting or “flight-ing” -- my made-up word that I really dig…

Anyway, my point in all of this is -- so when you are able to say, “Okay.  What -- okay.  I’ve got a lot going on.  There’s a lot happening in my life.  Here’s the list of things that are never going anywhere anytime soon.”  You know, the things with the kids that we are committed to, not the 8 billion things we keep them busy with.  I’m not that parent anyway, but I know some of you are out there.  I know.  You keep your kids very busy.  And I’m not judging you.  I’m just saying it’s not my thing.  But you do -- I am going to challenge you here.  What is motivating you to do it?  Is it just to keep them busy?  Is it to prove something?  Whatever the case may be, that’s between you and your kids, and you get to decide that.  But I do want it on your list.  If it’s the busyness and it’s the filling of the space, I want you to delineate why.  Why are you doing it?   If your “why” comes down to that solid place that it agrees, and your “yes” says, “YES, I totally agree with this ‘why,’ I’m excited about this ‘why,’ this is going somewhere,” then thumbs up.  You’re going to make it through.  It’s going to be okay.  If you cannot match those things up -- right?  And yeah, I’m referring to kids and busyness, but this is everybody.  Listen to me.  Don’t tune me out just because I was referring to kids.  

What I’m saying is that as you are writing down the things in your life that are taking your time, taking your effort, taking your cash -- let’s be honest, right?  Let’s delineate.  

Why?  Why are those things doing it?  And is it -- is it really lining up with you to feel excellent about the agreement that you have and the “yes” that you say?  Is that truth?  

And if it is, rock it.  Do it. 

And if it isn’t, let’s do some consideration here.  What needs to change?  What needs to shift?  Is some of it just allowing somebody else in on the cycle?  Is it you’re controlling something because you don’t want to let it out of your hands and you feel safer if it’s there?  Okay?  There’s a little digging that has to go on there, right?  Why are you feeling it necessary to do that?  

“Why?” is an excellent question.  It’s one of my favorites.  You can keep dialing down for a while.  You can mine until you get to the gems.  And never be afraid of that knowledge.  I think some people don’t ask themselves questions because they’re scared of the answers.  But let me tell you something:  When you live in that space, I promise you, you are not showing up as the human you think you are or the human you really want to be showing up as.  And that’s a ripoff to you and the world around you, because you’re awesome and you have greatness to offer.  And it’s not just some spectacular talent.  It is just the value of who you are, of what you carry, and what you offer.  You matter.  

And when the voice does not allow us to matter, then we can do whatever we want.  Right?  It makes no difference.  Who cares?  You should care.  If you don’t care, who else is going to care?  

Great question:  Why don’t you care?  Why don’t you care what your effect on the other humans is?  I mean, that is a really legitimate question.  So if you are in that space, I encourage you to get to the bottom of that.  Because I promise you, you’re not as in control as you think you are.  Things are bossing you around internally, and you’re just going with the flow with that one, and you’re getting ripped off in the exchange.  I promise my goal with that is not to berate you; it’s to encourage you to get free.  

Anyway, I digress.  Back to our list.  Right?  We’re going to figure out what are all the things I am saying yes to.  Not just, again, the physical things.  

I want you to figure out:

“Where is my agreement going in my life?”  

“What am I aligning myself with?  What thought processes?  What conversations?”  

“What social media memes am I digging?  What do I find myself wondering into?  What programs?  What things?  What am I feeding myself?”  

Where is your agreement and your “yes” going, so that you can delineate from that place, “Okay.  Does this line up?”  “Does this line up with my ultimate ‘why’?”

“Does it line up with what I want to feed myself?”  

“Does it line up with where I want to go?”  

“Does it line up with what I truly believe?”  

“Does it add to my journey so that I can add to others’ journeys?”  

“Does this really make me feel like a more solid human, or does it break me down somewhere?”  

These are really excellent questions to ask.  And, again, we do not ask ourselves enough questions.  Hence, why The Love Identity Podcast is what it is and why I do it the way that I do,  because I want you to get used to asking yourself hard questions, and keep asking until you get an answer, so the power is back in your hands, the choice is yours, and you get to start deciding where to go.  

So when you really consider and you see on the paper where your “yes” is taking you, are you happy to be on that train?  It’s time to ask that question next.  Right?  Okay.  So you can start to see the pattern.  You can see where it’s going.  We’ve already talked about how we look at the past and see where our “yes” lined up.  Are we still on that same path?  Are we on a completely different path?  Comparing those and figuring out if they are compatible, if they’re completely opposite, and where the happiness in that is.  Right?  Where you feel really proud and solid and excited about that partnership and that agreement you’re making with whatever it is that “yes” is signed up to.  

And then I really want you to consider, where is it you want to go?  Where do you feel destined to go?  Because what you’re agreeing with today is going to get you somewhere.  It is.  It’s taking you somewhere.  So if you look at it that way, it’s almost like a vehicle.  Your “yes” is a vehicle.  It’s a bravery vehicle in some senses, it’s a cowardly vehicle in others, it’s a neutral vehicle sometimes.  And listen:  I’m a big fan of not just pushing and hustling until you die.  I don’t -- I don’t think that’s necessary.  I don’t.  But that’s my opinion, and I know there are others that would completely -- just completely disagree with me.  And that’s okay.  I think there’s a balance.  I think we have to have a balance.  And I’ve lived both sides.  So I’m just telling you, sometimes the balance is we hustle for a while, and then we are really not hustling for a while and we’re resting for a while, and sometimes we can do the balance within the season that we get to do both within that season.  Whatever the case may be, ultimately, there has to be a balance.  

So, again, if that “yes” has constantly got you going, going, going, going, going, there’s no rest, and you’re not sure what your “why” is or where you’re headed, those are red flags.  Because it’s just life living you; you’re not living life at that point.  And on my quest to challenge people in that arena of self awareness and personal responsibility, there is no way to understand what you think or how you feel or what you want without pause, without questions, without the time it takes to readjust.  That’s why therapists and coaches and all these things are so great.  Because it’s your time.  That’s all it is.  It’s yours.  And whatever filtering you need to do, whatever you need to get out of there, whatever process you need to go through to find out, “This is where I am right here, and how do I feel about it?”

You’ve got to take that time.  You deserve that time.  

That’s, again, why journaling is powerful for some people.  So in this exercise that we’re talking about, you are getting everything out of your head and on to paper to look at it and find out, “How am I feeling about that ‘yes?’  Do I feel greater empowerment?  Greater pride?”  In a good way, not the stubborn pride that just digs the heels in.  But really -- okay.  “Good.  Good, this totally lines up with my heart cry and who I believe myself to be, my mindset, my identity.”  

Awesome.  Keep going.

The things that are not lining up, it’s time to figure out why the “yes” went there in the first place.  Figure it out.  Sometimes it’s super obvious.  Sometimes you just kind of ended up there and you’re like, “What?  How did I get here?”  Right?

So isn’t that good information to have?  Isn’t that great to be able to say, “Oh, wow.  I just kind of stumbled into this space, and I’m not sure how that happened, but here I am.  Do I want to stay?”  Sometimes it’s a happy accident.  Sometimes we end up in a season, in a place, in a situation, and we’re like, “You know, this was not in my plan, but I’m really happy I’m here.”  

And listen:  Plans are great, but they never happen completely.  That I can tell you.  And I know I’m such a bad goal’s coach, honestly.  And goals that are just set for the things and to tick the box and “I can do this,” that’s great, and you can get results in that space, but it’s better to know why you want the goal in the first place.  It’s better to have a platform to understand you, understand who you are, how you think, what you believe so that then the goals you go after -- a.) they come a little more naturally, by the way.  You just kind of go after it differently.  You’re not having to trick yourself into just doing stuff.  And, b.) you are a much better contribution to the life as a whole.

So, yeah, I’m not a great smart-goals coach, but I’m a great get to the core of who you are and get to the end of your road in a beautiful, fantastic way, taking a bunch of beautiful, fantastic people with you, and everybody’s at the end going, “Yeah!”  And those of you that are goal-oriented, that’s okay.  I’m not berating you or telling you you’re doing it wrong.  I’m just saying, you get to combine these things and you get a more powerful exchange in the whole situation.  So as you are making your lists of “yes,” I want you to consider all these things we’re talking about.

And here’s the other side I want you to consider:  Are there “no’s” that need to be said?  How many “no’s” are missing?  And, again, if you are justifying all the stuff you’re saying yes to that should have been no’s, okay.  Great.  And then take the justification and defensiveness out, and get back to the hard questions.  Why am I really not able to say no to this?  What is it?  Ask yourself what you’re afraid of.  What are you fearing in that situation?  I promise you there’s fear in there.  Don’t know where it came from, I don’t know where it originated, I don’t know why it’s there.  You might know.  So I just want to remind you that when there’s fear in there, you’re not getting the full payoff you deserve, and you are being dictated to.  So to figure out, “Okay.  This is where that fear came from, here’s what happened.  Okay.  What do I want to do?  And do I need help being able to do what I want to do?”  

This is all great stuff, guys!  Because figuring out where you need help is a beautiful thing.  We all need the humans.  We’re not on this planet alone by ourselves for a reason.  We need each other, and we all carry something different.  And so engaging those different parts that maybe are missing at that particular time or just need complement, you do it.  That’s strength.  That is strength right there, to be able to see it and say, “Yep, that’s a place that I need some help.” Awesome.  If it’s just pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, giving yourself grace, and you don’t need excess help, that’s okay, too.  And, of course, you know I’m a pray-er over here, so incorporating prayer into the situation is always an excellent plan.  

Just remind yourself you’re not alone on this planet.  You’re not alone in your journey.  And your “yes” and your “no’s,” or lack of “no’s,” is connected to other humans.  You don’t always know how much of an impact they’re making.  Sometimes you find out way later, sometimes you don’t find out at all, but there is no such thing as a “yes” or a “no” in a vacuum.  It doesn’t exist.  You are literally affecting all kinds of things.  And I’m not saying that to guilt or shame you.  I’m saying that to say, you do matter.  It’s a good thing.  It is a good thing.  And it’s an important thing.  It needs the honor and respect it deserves so that you recognize, “Aha!  Okay.  So when I’m looking at my list of ‘yes’ and I’m recognizing, wow, this really affects all these people, and I’m agreeing to this, and you know what?  Deep down, I really don’t.  But my actions are saying that I do.”

What would happen if we became people of our actions, our thoughts, our intent -- all lined up -- our words, what we say we do, our “yes” is yes, our “no” is no?  Would that be a trip?  What in the world?  It would be like, “Okay.  You said that, and you’re going to do that, and I know that’s true. What the -- ”  It would trip us out!  Right?  How sad is that statement?  But it’s true!  It’s true.  How often do you full-blown believe yourself or anybody else that says that 100 percent you’re totally going to do what you say you’re going to do?  

I think our intentions are excellent.  We’re good people.  We intend well.  We’re thoughtful.  We think of all the great things, we just don’t follow through with all the great things.  Listen:  We can’t follow through with everything that goes through our head or we’d have to never sleep and we’d kill ourselves because it’s a lot of things.  But there are some things, right?  Especially the things that we commit too.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if we get healthier to be able to allow ourselves to only say yes to the things and commit to the things that we can actually show up for?  It ties in kind of with the boundaries, right?  And we learn to say no legitimately where our “yes” in the situation doesn’t actually bring the benefit that we think it’s going to bring, it actually causes more trouble, one side of the coin or another, that we recognize that, and we’re brave enough to say no in the moment or not make commitments or agreements that we don’t actually believe with -- believe in at the depths of our heart.  So these are some thinkers, right?  These are some things to consider. 

So that’s the question today:  Where does my “yes” go?  It’s a great question.  I really invite you to dig to the depths of your “yes” and your “why” and all the beauty and the tragedy that are tied to those things and figure out where you’re at.  

Get that power back.  Be aware.  Take responsibility.  Do what you need to do.  

It might take some time, and that’s okay.  This is not an overnight thing.  This is a process.  Everything we do is a process.  The more you bring it to the surface, the easier it will get, and the more natural it will become, and the healthier you will be.  

And, unfortunately, that means the more unhealthy the unhealthy people will appear to be around you.  You will all of a sudden be like, “Holy cow!  I’ve known you my whole life and I didn’t recognize all the things, but the healthier I get, the more I’m, like, wow!”  And it’s okay, and you get to have grace for that person.  You get to have grace.  You get to make that choice and allow them to continue on their journey.  And you don’t have to bully them into change.  But you can love them, and by loving them it gives them more permission.  Right?  It gives them the strength and the platform to feel strong enough to make changes themselves.  And they are going to notice the changes in you.  They are.  Let your greatness speak for itself.  You don’t have to speak for it.  If you are having to speak for your greatness, your greatness isn’t as great as you think it is.  Let it speak for itself.  

Okay.  I’ve had fun with you guys today, and I’m looking forward to you digging into this.  And it inspires me to think about it more myself.  And we get to ponder, and we get to make our lists, and we get to look at them, and we get to be proud of the things that we are really excited about saying yes and agreeing with, and we get to examine the things that need some more no, and work on the bravery it takes to do that and the freedom we will experience by engaging it.  I promise, in the end you’ll be pretty stoked about it.  

So thank you for being here today.  And if you’ve had a great listen, I would love it if you could go over and give us a review, including words, not just stars.  But I’ll take both.  And join us on Instagram or Facebook.  We’d love to engage in conversation with you, and we talk about the podcasts each week, and all the things.  And that’s just @LinetteSoderwall.  

Thank you so much, and I will see you and join you next time.